In a Little While...

What I'm Looking For....

2007-12-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm predicable in what I think about. ;-)

Some things are always at the forefront of my mind since that's simply who I am and who I chose to be. Still, this past year hasn't been easy. From the romantic wasteland of the early part of the year to getting my heart broken in spring and summer to the missteps of the past few months, I've faced more than a few challenges.

I already wrote a little bit about what I'm searching for in trying to find my ideal girl back in June. You can read that at http://zestyzach.blogspot.com/2007/06/to-care-to-accept-to-understand.html but I want to elaborate a little bit beyond that though.

Ultimately, I want to find someone who...

...I actually enjoy spending long periods of time with. When you can spend three, four or even five hours on the phone with a gal and not feel bored at all or desirous of doing something else, life is good. Moreover, when you find someone you can spend fifty or sixty hours with in person without either one of you getting bored or tired of the other, you've got something truly special there.

...loves Wikipedia, reading and the pursuit of pointless knowledge just like I do. It's an amazing world for trivia out there. If a gal knows who wrote with whom on the Monty Python BBC series, that's awesome. However, if she doesn't know but wants to find out, that’s even better. It always amazes me when people say they "don't care" or "aren't interested" in something. It's a fascinating world out there and I want someone who is curious about it.

...is intelligent. I've had a deep respect for the strong intelligence of every gal I've ever seriously dated. It's a make-it or break-it trait and (I hope) I would never date someone who I didn't consider to be very smart.

...isn't vain or obsessed with her appearance. So many women seem to focus so much of their energy on makeup and hair and clothing and all that other stuff that bores that hell out of me. I'm honestly just not that big a fan of makeup. Sorry.

...has a sense of humor. Despite appearances to the contrary, I'm really more silly than serious. I can't imagine being with someone who couldn't appreciate Bob Hope or Douglas Adams or the Marx Brothers. Also, if you can't laugh at yourself, then how much fun can you really be?

...is romantic. Romance, to me, is nothing more or less than the expression of our affection and feelings for the people we care for and love. There's an infinite number of ways to show it from grandiose to simple but if someone can't be bothered to do so, the person they're with will never know what the other feels for them, if anything.

...wants to travel and see the world. That's just a big part of who I am. Period. If a gal can't see herself wandering through the foothills of some snowy mountain range with minimal luxury or trying to decipher the menu at a vegetarian restaurant in some tiny town in Eastern Europe, she's probably not a good fit for me.

...understands and, ideally, shares my ethical principals.

...makes me and spending time with me as much of a priority as I do with her. It seems to me that a lot of people waste their lives chasing after money, overly consuming careers or some other pursuit of vanity or greed.

...kind and well-mannered. Civility and manners are a dying art.

...is faithful and trustworthy. Nobody's perfect but you shouldn't have to constantly have your heart hurting with concerns about whether or not she's on the verge of fooling around with someone else the minute you hit a rough spot.

...interesting. The cardinal sin in life is to be dull.

Phew! That’s one long and challenging list. There's probably a few things I could add to it but I think that's a great start.

For those who have asked me in the past, hopefully that explains a bit more about why I don't find myself in too many relationships.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't right for me.

Advice For The Fairer Sex

2007-09-05T14:50:00.001-07:00

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you. The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'"

- Found randomly on the web, 08/27/07

Elucidation

2007-08-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

My life is lived in three worlds:

The first is my heart.
The second is my head.
The third is beyond.

I live primarily in the second.
I am distracted and obligated by the third.
I desire to live in the first.

Alma

2007-08-07T01:50:00.001-07:00

La Vida del Sur [Mexico, Pt. 4]

2007-07-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

The past few days have just flown by!

The still inexplicable complications mentioned at the end of my previous post put me off blogging momentarily and infrequent internet access did nothing to encourage my desire. Still, I couldn’t help but try to describe some sense of the past few days.

Remarkable as it is to look back on it, I’ve now been through eight of Mexico’s states since the trip began. Sweltering car rides, questionable cuisine and contentious conversations with the parents have all added up to one interesting vacation. The weather has occasionally proven a formidable adversary. Illuminating the skin in a dull heat that slowly reddens and stings at times while bursting the clouds to fall torrential downpours at others. In the long hours my mind wanders, rarely settling on the reality of the landscape around me. The momentary solace of focused thought is often broken by the odd occurrences that seem to color each day.

In this mood, I am grateful to have landed in Merida for a few days. To have something of a sense of even temporary permanence so sorely lacking from changing cities and residences on a daily basis is a wonderful thing. I will be lodging in the hotel here for the next four days and I am doing my best to live up to a more common and sensible idea of a holiday. Lazing by the poolside, drifting through the city streets, wishing I could flirt better in Spanish. Merida is a large city with significant diversions and I am eager to explore it further. Still, I am anxious to get home as well and embark on several new personal projects.

In five days, I have the comfort of my own bed. Until then, I intend to make the most of my time in Mexico.

El Sol & El Sudor [Mexico, Pt. 3]

2007-07-01T00:38:00.001-07:00

Drip, drop,

drip drop.

That lovely feeling of perspiration exiting from every pore as you wonder if you’ve been keeping yourself sufficiently hydrated. Luckily, life has a built-in means of letting you know. If you haven’t had enough water and stay out in the sun too much, you’ll probably pass out. Isn’t life grand with its little hints?

If you’re ever considering traveling to Belize, I’d strongly recommend reconsidering. It’s not that the country itself is so bad but rather that there are so many more interesting places in the region to visit. Our little jaunt back to Belize started out with a sweet but short bus ride across the Mexican frontier with the locals. Having been to Belize City before, our destination this time was a small town only nine miles from the Mexican border called Corozal, the capitol of one of the country’s six districts. With a population of 33,353 people and a rather simple town layout, well... I hate to say this but there simply isn’t much there. Certainly, it’s true that if you look for it, you can find something interesting in any location you venture to. However, in this case it seems that our time would have been better spent in Chetumal as there were a few things here I would have preferred to have seen.

Corozal. We departed from the bus and promptly ventured out to find some food, preferably Chinese if you can believe it. Even in this small town, there were several restaurants run by either immigrants or descendants of immigrants from that lovely country. Our first entry into a suspiciously unsanitary looking restaurant quickly led us to our first... er, “out-ry.” sigh. Sometimes, I’m good with words. Sometimes, not so much. At any rate, we eventually settled on a moderately clean looking place with a forgettable name called… wait for it… sorry, I forgot. Haha. Good stuff. After a little confusion as to why we didn’t want meat on our plates, I was eventually served a charming plate of pinto beans, rice, fried plantains and mixed vegetables. I was also given a small lettuce and tomato salad I wouldn’t eat if you paid me. For those who have not traveled through less developed countries, avoid lettuce as best you can. Actually if you want some very interesting and, quite possibly, very graphic tales of time spent in the bathroom for your friends back home then go for it. The remainder of our time there is something of a blur. It was mostly just walking around and sweating. I did enjoy the opportunity to spend more time wearing my black cowboy hat that I would likely not have the guts to wear in Seattle. Pictures eventually, I promise. Let’s just say I’ve never been particularly well known for my great taste but I do kinda like the hat.

Chetumal. Having taken a different bus line back into town, we arrived at a different terminal and had the opportunity to briefly partake of that wonderful feeling of being lost. Eventually we got it sorted out and returned to the hotel. Having been blessed with reasonable access to the internet at our lodging, I sat down for a moment to set up a download I wanted to grab for the next week. When you’re abroad, you take advantage of the internet every chance you get because you never know when you’ll have it next. So far, I’ve been very lucky. I chatted up a friend for a few minutes on Trillian and went through my email and facebook updates. I did see a very worrisome status update, one in a series of worrisome ones actually, but wasn’t really sure it pertained to me at all so I left it for after dinner. My family and I wandered around time for some time before eventually finding a little Chinese place with a very sweet waitress. Can you believe this gal works eight hours a day seven days a week?!? Geez. After partaking of some decent vegetable chow mein, mixed vegetables and pleasant dinner conversation, we set out to stroll around the town a bit more. It’s a blessing to be able to enjoy time with one’s family like this and I’m grateful for the opportunity. Life moves so quickly that we often forget what’s really important. Somehow, the evening slipped away and hours passed by just enjoying the town.

Oh! There was one entertaining little incident I thought I’d mention. As a gringo and something of an anomaly in the area, it’s not all that uncommon to get curious glances in your direction. Walking by a flower store, there was a truly beautiful little girl of maybe sixteen years old who did not take her eyes off me once the entire time I was walking by. She stared so intently with such a smile that I apparently actually blushed! Eep. That’s not very good for my image. Still, I thought it was very sweet and it put me into a really good mood until I sat back down to my computer later that evening...

I finally got back to my room and just fell on the bed for a few hours. Nap time. I woke up to check my download only to find I was down by a couple of facebook friends and apparently blocked from viewing a certain profile. I couldn’t figure that one out for a few minutes before it dawned on me that I had really pissed off someone somehow? Hmmm... apparently, that status update was about me. Do y’all understand people? It seems I truly don’t.

So with a very heavy heart, I’ll wrap this up here. Hopefully my next entry won’t end on such a down note.

Geckos & Gringos [Mexico, Pt. 2]

2007-06-30T05:57:00.001-07:00

Geckos rock. Geckos rock my freakin’ socks off.

Ever seen these little guys around your place? Well, probably not. They’re more accustomed to warm climates like Central America and the Caribbean. Crawling and climbing at times but mostly sitting there, Geckos are a welcome sight in most houses. Why? Because they eat those pesky things we don’t like so much… especially mosquitoes! Over the past few days, I’ve seen more than a few of each. I’m always happy to share my quarters with one of my leathery lizard brothers. Damn mosquitoes...

Yesterday, we found ourselves deeper into the true country and thankfully farther away from the tourist hangouts. We’re staying in Chetumal, the capitol of the Quintana Roo and there’s nary a gringo to be seen… well, outside of yours truly, of course! With its population of around 135,000 people and its well-populated streets, I think we spotted two other people of obvious European ancestry and two of Asian descent. Amateur census taking aside, it’s been a long day. We got started fairly early in the morning although I had been up since around 3:30am or so. After that lovely night’s sleep, a six hour car ride seemed just the ticket to perk us up. Along the highway, it’s amazing to see all of the condos, time-shares and resort properties they are building here. Truly, there is a sucker born every minute and I almost wish I could see who they find to fill in those first two property categories.

Tulum. Since I figure I don’t get quite enough religion at home, it made sense to stop by the ruins of a pre-Columbian Mayan city dedicated to the worship of the Descending God. That makes sense, right? Er… no? Oh, well. Let’s just say it was there so it had to be seen. Having seen so many historic ruins in various places here and there, I’ll just say that I’m ruined for visiting ruins. Get it? “ruined for..” Okay, you do better! sigh. Anyway, I’m told by others that they are quite impressed and I should have been astounded and gazing in awe rather than flirting with visiting Italian girls. Wait, what? Just practicing. Don’t worry. No smooching or hanky panky. I’m not that callous as I’m not totally over my past relationship. Actually I should mention that it feels so different to be flirting in such an openly insincere and superficial manner after having spent the past six weeks being so genuine and honest in my compliments. Funny enough, guess which one works better? Sincerity is for chumps. No, hopefully not. Just still disappointed. Oh, and the ruins. The ruins were once nice things that fell apart built by nice people who are now dead. How’s that for deep historical insight? And people say I’m culturally insensitive…

Chetumal. There’s something seemingly ever-present in the air of some cities. A slightly choking taste of gasoline, dust and heat. Having found a great lunch near Tulum, we were hoping to do the same in the capitol. What constitutes a great lunch for a vegetarian in Mexico? Beans and corn in all their glorious forms. In this instance, I was delighted to have three different forms of legume-y greatness including whole and two types of fried (sin grasa de animales por supuesto!) and a whole stack of tortillas along with a plate of hopefully well washed veggies. After looking around the city for a while and enjoying the sights and scents, we finally settled on a respectable looking Italian place. You know it’s fine Italian cuisine when pizza is the most advertised part of their menu. At any rate, I did end up ordering a pizza with no cheese and tons of vegetables and they didn’t even seem to regard it as a strange request. “Yo quisiera algo un poco raro. Quisiera una pizza vegetariana SIN queso. NUNCA queso. Solamente el pan, la salsa de tomate y los verduras. Nunca queso. Gracias.” It took a little while for our food but when they did finally bring it out, it was quite good and they got it just right. I think the funniest part of evening was the dinner mints they gave us at the end of the meal.

The writing on the packaging of my mint said, “Cada día que amanece el número de tontos crece.” WHOAH! What? Okay, now my Spanish may have just gotten horrible from a lack of practice but I do believe that translates as “Each day the sun dawns, the number of stupid people grows.” Wow! Talk about hostile. My mom’s mint wasn’t much better. It said, “La desgracia a la puerta vela, y en primera ocasión se cuela.” I’ll let y’all translate that one.

That’s about all I have time to type this morning. We’re heading across the border to Belize in a few hours. As a bit of trivia, Belize is the only country in Central America where English is an official language.

¡Hasta luego!

Breathing Together

2007-06-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

Off the Beaten Trail [Mexico, Pt. 1]

2007-06-29T04:08:00.001-07:00

"Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen." – Benjamin Disraeli

I’m blessed and cursed to have never led anything approaching a ‘normal’ existence. Traveling the world has been a part of my life since I was less than a year old. I’m fortunate to have parents such as mine. My dad is so intent on seeing the whole of the planet that we have frequently referred to him as “Christopher Columbus reincarnated.” By a curious quirk of fate, I find myself imbued with a similar wanderlust. A year where I do not step outside my country’s borders at least a few times feels almost incomplete. When the opportunity came up to travel with my family to the southern states of Mexico, going just seemed natural. As such, I’ll be out of the country yet again from June 27 to July 10. I thought I’d try to throw together something of a travel log since my recent bouts of insomnia have kindly granted me extra time in which to write.

Like usual, I hadn’t really made any effort to get ready before the day I was set to leave. The previous Tuesday had been draining and put me to bed at an unfortunate hour. I woke up with an emotional hangover so I got a bit of a late start. Traveling abroad as an almost completely vegan vegetarian has its own special concerns that should be addressed prior to travel. Thus far, I have not encountered any serious annoyances as a result of my diet. However, that has come from careful planning. I strongly believe in hoping for the best but planning for the worst. Cliff Bars, most recently of the Builder’s Bar variety, have become a must-take item on trips.

After getting a few other things taken care of, it was time to pack. How long does it take me to pack for ten days abroad in a foreign country? Oh, about thirty five minutes. Yep, that’s it. My parents arrived at my apartment and we departed for SeaTac, our home away from home. The plan was to catch a ride from Seattle to Charlotte, North Carolina and then go from there to an airport near Cancun. I think one should enter into a trip with a good deal of optimism but temper it with a little bit of realism. If at least one thing doesn’t go wrong in the first forty eight hours, I think it is cause for worry. In our case, we found our flight to Charlotte to be delayed by several hours. Hey, that’s great but we sort of needed to make a connection there if we want to get to Mexico. Resigned to our fate, we ventured through the indescribable joy that is airport security and did our best to convince the people there that we Snipes, in fact, weren’t a threat to the entirety of the free world. Mission accomplished apparently and they warily let us pass. For those who are vegan or vegetarian, the options at SeaTac aren’t too bad. Since I knew I wouldn’t be getting enough of it in the next ten days in Mexico, I decided to dine at the Mexican restaurant. Smart kid, Zach. Sill, I’m always enticed by any menu item that proudly proclaims itself to be “100% vegetarian.”

Eventually, we got on our flight, crossed our fingers and hoped for the best. Normally, I love airplanes and have no problem sleeping on them but I was still much more stressed and out of it than usual so I didn’t sleep. Actually, I’d venture to say I was the only one on the plane who wasn’t asleep except for the pilots. Being awake in that situation is odd. It’s like being alone thousands of miles up in the air. Anyway, we landed at Charlotte before our flight to Mexico left. Unfortunately, that “before” only equals twenty minutes before it was set to take off. So we stood there stressing and watched everyone slowly disembark while our minutes ticked down. Somehow we got off with about seven minutes before our flight in a different terminal was to leave. My dad, being the smooth-talker that he is, managed to get the driver of one of those cars intended for the handicap to drive us to the gate, saving us several minutes. We made it literally two minutes before they closed the door of the plane and weren’t too surprised to see a lot of empty seats on this “overbooked” flight. Apparently, a lot of other people weren’t as luck as us in getting there…

Touch down in the Mexican state of Quintana Roo. That familiar air of the tropics and the heat came swirling back into my senses. The airport we landed in was apparently the one which most tourists use to go to the very popular destination of Cancun. As such, I thought it was oddly upscale and overly well-maintained for the region. There was a lot there geared towards the tourists as we’d soon see. If one wasn’t experienced, there was a lot of scamming going on to fall for. We encountered a LOT of “special offers” for tourists or “free breakfasts” or strong instance on the part of well-dressed pushers offering to help us “save money.” For those who don’t know or don’t travel much, here’s a lesson. If it sounds too good to be true, if it’s something for free, if it doesn’t seem to make sense, then don’t bite. These people are everywhere in the world and they know what they are doing. Even at the car rental place, my dad had to say “no” at least seven times to the increasingly friendly offer of the man there to “save us money” because he was so sure we wanted that. Oh, and when you’re in Asia, watch out for tours to “gem shops.” Just saying.

It wasn’t much more than a short drive to the hotel in Puerto Morelos. It’s a rather nice, small place owned by a Swiss couple fluent in German, English and Spanish. At that moment, however, I wanted something different than friendly conversation. I was tried and wanted to get to my room to go unconscious for a little bit. I got up to the room and went through my things. Finally dug out my camera, looked at what was on the card and recalled the half dozen or so pictures of someone I had been keeping on there for good luck. Zip. Empty card. Went through the books and various food items I had brought with me and then decided I was simply too tired to do any good with any of it. After a lengthy nap to make up for all that sleep I missed the previous night, I finally sauntered downstairs and ordered up some dinner. Basically what I got was a bunch of sautéed vegetables surrounding a center of rice with tomato sauce on top. Actually, it wasn’t too bad. I was delighted to find wireless access was available in the small hotel and got to chat with the ever delightful Alisse on Trillain for a little bit. I checked my email, facebook and all the essentials. I noticed two comments on my blog but one mystery one was deleted? Couldn’t figure that one out but okay I guess.

I took a brief but lovely after dinner walk with my parents to the city plaza and to the water. Looking at the beautiful setting with the sandy shores and the soft waves coming onto the beach brought out my romantic side and made me reflect that I really need to step up my efforts to find a sweet vegetarian gal when I get back to Seattle. I thought briefly about going barefoot on the sands but realized what a bad move that would be in the dark on an unfamiliar beach with fishing boats in Mexico.

Drifting into and out of sleep with my various thoughts, I’m slowly getting read to set out for another day of adventure with the folks. I’m anxiously looking forward to a six or seven hour car ride. It’ll be nice to get away from the tourists and really hit what my dad and I love best about travel: the unfamiliar and the unseen off the beaten trail.

Best wishes to everyone back in the states.

Quotations on Travel

2007-06-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain

Don't tell me how educated you are, tell me how much you have traveled.
- Mohammed

Traveling is almost like talking with men of other centuries.
- René Descartes

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
- Mark Twain

Hitler didn't travel. Stalin didn't travel. Saddam Hussein never traveled. They didn't want to have their orthodoxy challenged.
- Howard Gardner

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
- Mark Twain

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.
- St. Augustine

The traveler was active; he went strenuously in search of people, of adventure, of experience. The tourist is passive; he expects interesting things to happen to him. He goes "sight-seeing."
- Daniel J. Boorstin

Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe.
- Anatole France

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.
- Lin Yutang

Taciturn

2007-06-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

On Thomas Hardy

2007-06-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

Tess of D’Urbervilles is not one of my favorite books. Until a few weeks back, I would have easily called it my least favorite of nearly anything I had read. Odd then, that I found myself referring to it recently for advice on my own life. I did not like Thomas Hardy. While a deeply romantic sensibility runs through his works, I had always found him to be a terrible pessimist. Certainly, yes, those types of things might happen sometimes but life isn’t like that, right? It can't be. I shouldn't be. Deep down, I’m very much an optimist. It’s that spark of hope that always pulls me through. The dream I hold in my heart that serves as my base, my strength and, more than anything else, my core. My strongest point and yet the hole in my armor.

I do intend to write on the novel Tess of D’Urbervilles when I have a free moment later on. Right now, I wanted to share a section from a short biography of the man:

"Of greater significance was his romanticism. Only a supreme romantic could have produced such a figure as Tess (one of the immortals of literature). The fact is that throughout his life Hardy was deeply susceptible to women. At the age of nine or ten his feeling for Julia Augusta Martin, the lady of the manor, was, he recalled, ‘almost that of a lover’, and at age fourteen he fell ‘madly in love’ with a pretty girl on horseback who for some unaccountable reason smiled at him. On this occasion it took him only a week to get over this ‘desperate attachment’. Later he was not so fortunate. Even at the age of eighty-four he fell in love with the actress playing Tess in Dorchester. Quite simply, he was a ladies’ man, both fascinated and oppressed by figures of beauty. He analyzed the ingredients that make for romantic illusion – above all, ‘visual familiarity and oral strangeness’ – but such knowledge did not render him immune.

In short, nothing in particular went wrong with Hardy’s life. It is true that an early love affair with Tryphena Sparks ended unhappily and that his marriage to Emma Gifford turned dismally sour, breeding powerful remorse after her death. In addition he became acutely conscious of his ageing and unattractive carcass. But such is the lot of Everyman. What marks Hardy out is not his experience as such but its intensity. He lived the life of the heart and suffered accordingly.

Hardy was the sort of man who makes Leonard Cohen appear positively happy-go-lucky. He did not look on the bright side of life and did not practice positive thinking or count his blessings. Some may say, therefore, that he had an unhealthy mental attitude. And perhaps they are correct. The reasonable man adjusts himself to the world, makes the best of things, dulls his sensibilities and thereby dulls his pain. But Hardy was heroic. He ventured onto dangerous emotional ground which the voice of reason says is better left untrod. In addition, he gave full rein to his memory, exhibiting a Proustian capacity for resurrecting images and sensations born decades earlier and so experiencing, and suffering, them anew. Hardy took up residence where you and I have seldom ever visited. He did not shirk the psychological pains of life; and he offered us no specious ‘solutions’, only the validity of his own deeply-felt experiences."
- Written by Robert Pearce

I’m vaguely ill to realize that in this person I’ve always so despised I find a kindred spirit. I am blessed not to be Thomas Hardy. I still hold to my hope, however foolish or pathetic at times.

Still, thinking back over the years and my own experiences, one idea expressed in this short selection is worth repeating:

“What marks Hardy out is not his experience as such but its intensity. He lived the life of the heart and suffered accordingly.”

An unshakable thought.

“Only the validity of his own deeply-felt experiences”

To Care, To Accept, To Understand

2007-06-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

Having just lost a relationship with a woman with the strongest potential for me I’ve seen in many years, I’m naturally very down at the moment. I’m sure that most of you who take the time to read this have almost certainly heard me speaking of her in glowing terms. I still believe I was right about all of it, even if I was wrong about our connection. The relatively minor solace I have gotten from my closest friends that I did do everything I could to save it isn’t much comfort to be honest. However, I thought it might do me some good to reflect one of the important things I desire from someone in a romantic relationship.

Ultimately I think there is a moment in most relationships when you discover a proper sense of where you stand. It can be either an empowering or a crushing moment. In an ideal situation, it’s an elevation of the spirit. In my case, I regret to say it was the later of the two moments. I came to see that I really didn’t have much value to her. That is to say, one realizes the unfortunate truth that one doesn’t really mean much to the person they care for. That your particular worth in their estimation is far below what you ever believed it to be, even at your worst moments. It’s not easy to find that you indeed could have been anyone else or that you were merely filling a void or need for another person but it’s better to find out than to be left guessing I believe. The world is confused enough as it is without a further lack of clarity.

There’s something important to look for, I believe, in a person. It’s looking for someone who wants you for you, for the essence of who you’ve been, who you are and who you can be. When I look back to the various involvements of myself, my friends and the people I have know best, I often see that lacking. It’s not that the numerous couples I recall didn’t or don’t enjoy each other’s company or have fun together. It’s the lack of acceptance of the totality of a person. It seems that each is always trying to hide something from the other. “You wouldn’t like this about me” or “I don’t want you to know about this” or some such thing. Between our own vanities and illusions, we believe that as long as it doesn’t come up, it isn’t a problem or that that person just “gets past” it for the sake of something else. It is an uncomfortable thing for a person to see us in our entirety and often downright scary. We tend to cloak ourselves instead and pursue our various needs to the detriment of such honesty.

I think it’s this overarching need that’s so readily apparent in most relationships if you examine them deeply. The need for personal acceptance, the need for sexual gratification, the need for approval, the need to not be alone. Any such notion. What seems to be sorely lacking is the want of a person for the mere want of them. Instead, we see want to fulfill one of these needs. That’s regrettable but understandable.

To be wanted for being you. Wanted because of everything you are. I think there’s something rare in being wanted like that. When someone truly sees all your good and bad parts. Sees your sweetness, successes and sexiness but also sees your faults, foibles and fuck-ups too. Recognizes that we, all of us, are human. That we’re imperfect. Someone who sees it all and still cares for and wants you anyway.

Such an understanding and acceptance is not innate. It is something we have to be willing to work for and it is not easy.

I found a mutual willingness to explore and to work towards living up to that sentiment once in my life years ago. Powerful, meaningful and deep. I was not strong enough to keep it then. I know better now. I want something with meaning.

I will keep searching the rest of my life to find that again.

Sonnets From the Portuguese XX

2007-06-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

Beloved, my Beloved, when I think
That thou wast in the world a year ago,
What time I sat alone here in the snow
And saw no footprint, heard the silence sink
No moment at thy voice,... but, link by link,
Went counting all my chains as if that so
They never could fall off at any blow
Struck by thy possible hand... why, thus I drink
Of life's great cup of wonder! Wonderful
Never to feel thee thrill the day or night
With personal act or speech, - nor ever cull
Some prescience of thee with the blossoms white
Thou sawest growing! Atheists are as dull,
Who cannot guess God's presence out of sight.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The Elephant in the Room

2006-11-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

Q:What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?

A:They're both purple, except for the elephant.